mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
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I don’t know what to do
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
Whoa… oh I see lol
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.