My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
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I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes