I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
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Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
Shortcut
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.