fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
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Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”