According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
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In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
Jogging has never helped my memory.
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
ok this is my dumbest yet
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.