If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
You Might Also Like
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity