Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
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Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
How long do you have to wait between naps?
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.