Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
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I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
I’d rather fork than spoon.
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
How wrong was this guy?
If you breakdance you buy dance.
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL