I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
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I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
Day 2 of my diet
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN