“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
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Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal