ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
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Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE