[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
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Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.