So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
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Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here