Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
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The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.