Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
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My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man