Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
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Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
Introverted vegans go meetless
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
My typo game is string.
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)