y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
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*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
Cheer up.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.