Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
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Wait a minute…
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
🙂🐾
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?