Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
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I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
Mood.. 😂
Omg 🤣
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!