Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
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Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
new record!
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where