I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
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I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
oh u like geography? name every lake