Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
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Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
Can. I. Help. You.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.