my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
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how much does a mortician urn in a year
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
What a website
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.