I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
You Might Also Like
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.