When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
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Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
😲 WTF? 😆
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it