‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
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Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.