Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
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Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]