The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
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Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
This bar smells like my childhood.
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?