I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
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Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
The glory of fall.
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
look at me when i’m typing to you
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.