Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
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When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
Merica.
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
At least my masseuse has my back.
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.