The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
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Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!