Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
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hmm conte-me mais
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
Flock of bats
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried