I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
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My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
Goat cheese is for herders.
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!