Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
You Might Also Like
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
Sing it!
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL