Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
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Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
Raisins are grape jerky.
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”