Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
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Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
Cheer up.