Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
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Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
somebody come look at this
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.