I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
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it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don鈥檛 sell those
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 馃槥
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
When you鈥檙e born, they don鈥檛 tell you about challenges you鈥檒l face or friends you鈥檒l make. You鈥檙e a baby for chrissakes; it鈥檇 be stupid.
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we鈥檙e making another Expendables if you鈥檙e interested
me (first day as a judge): YOU鈥橰E OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you鈥檙e new here aren鈥檛 you?
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that