My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
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Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
I have a new favorite meme page
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!