“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
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I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore