I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
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Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”