I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
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I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
Art by Pastelkatto
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement