My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
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I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
Snapes on a plane.
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.