My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
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Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
My birthstone is kidney
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
The news in a nutshell.
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.