After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
You Might Also Like
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
Y’all know who you are.
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
THIS HEADLINE
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.