“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
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me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.