Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
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left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.