That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
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Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit