My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
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I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
Just a reminder, folks:
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
An odd boast
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.