They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
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[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
these two trucks have the same bed length
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.